There’s been way too much time to think

I apologize for the delay. Not only are we in a weird global pandemic, but I also had to deal with the death of a family member. I needed some time to process and heal. Three months inside of a house alone gives you a lot of time to self reflect and read self help books. It also drives you a little mad.

You know that phrase “if they want to, they will”? It’s very much true. I was casually seeing someone for a little over a month when some one very near to me passed. This dude straight up disappeared. I got ghosted during the death of my family member. So I started reflecting trying to see what signs I missed and where it went wrong.

At first this guy planned sweet dates and put effort into trying to impress me. We’d go to sporting events of teams I was a fan of, comedy shows because I like stand up, and he’d cook vegetarian options because of my dietary restrictions. I was so swept up in the activities I forgot to look at the little things. He rarely spoke of future plans. During the time we were dating both Valentines Day and my birthday passed, and he didn’t even try to be involved with either. I was so hung up on the sweet dates or the thoughtful food options I forgot to notice the little things that do matter.

It made me start to think what else hadn’t I noticed? So, like any person devoted to improving their life I started reading all sorts of self help books. I mean, when we’re quarantined and unable to go anywhere the only thing you have is time. I poured over pages of dating mistakes and mishaps.

Boy did the results humble me. I was still settling. I was still okay with someone treating me as an option. The hope of a relationship, the thrill of the is he into me, and the constant wondering of am I wasting my time over took me. Again, I stopped mutually dating and began to try to prove I was worth his time.

The thing with dating is it is an investment. However, you shouldn’t ever have to spend your time convincing someone you’re worth liking. Not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay. When we try to prove to someone we’re worth keeping around, we subconsciously are telling ourselves they’re better then we are. We immediately discredit all the work, all the achievements, and all the value we have to offer.

A few of the books I’d read talked about how we start to try and please a guy, only to end up losing our own identity. I know I’m guilty of this. Bringing up things that bug me or makes me uncomfortable is a huge stress for me. A lot of the time I will try to deal with something or spend hours alone in emotional distress because I didn’t deal with an issue. If you don’t like something say it. If they did something that bugs you (within reason) say it.

When you have your own identity and are strong in who you are, it doesn’t really matter what your partner thinks. The right person will accept you as you are. Mr. Wrong often times leaves you upset, doesn’t seem to understand you or like you, and doesn’t consider you. You have to get to a point where you’re strong enough in yourself that you could careless if he’s going out with the guys tonight and has barely texted you. You’ve got better things to do then stress over a man or wait for him.

I’m obviously guilty. This is something I struggle with still. No one’s perfect. Everyday I’m working on being comfortable with who I am. Whether I’m writing affirmations or doing my hair and make up that day, I’m doing little things to try and help me to feel better about me.

When you love yourself, you’re not going to let anyone who doesn’t near you. Anyone who doesn’t meet your level of respect won’t stick around. There’s always a down quiet period during a transformation. Think of that time as a caterpillar in their cocoon waiting to transform into a butterfly. It’s okay if you feel lost or down or confused. Use that to motivate you into a personal growth plan.

I can tell you during this quarantine I’ve committed to at least a 10 minute work out a day, meditating 4 days out of the week, and walking my dog at least a mile 5 days a week. When you set small personal goals it creates motivation, but you also start to feel like you’ve accomplished something.

I hope to write more frequently then I did the last few months. I look forward to the next bit of inspiration. Have a great day and thank you for reading this!

The Waiting Game

How often do you find yourself pushing off important tasks? I unfortunately do it all the time. Before I knew that clutter in the house was a result of anxiety, I hate to say, but the only time I seriously cleaned my house was when I knew someone was coming over. Especially, if it were a guy. The thought of organizing, finding a home for items, and doing all the mundane tasks was exhausting. I use this example because I had to talk myself into cleaning for the past two days. I cleaned in anticipation that someone else get to enjoy my clean home. What’s strange is, why didn’t I want to enjoy my clean home? I mean, I live here.

In my personal life things have just went through some big transitions. All of my anxiety folks know that it’s hard to adjust. Life throws some curve-balls and you end up having to alter every way of doing the normal day things. Living in discomfort, I think, is one of the hardest things to do. For me, I had big changes such as change of job, I moved to a new home, and minor dating mishaps. All of this in one, can feel extremely over whelming. We end up stressing about small details. Why hasn’t this person texted me? Am I proving myself at work? Am I in over my head with the new bills associated with moving? All thoughts that I now have. So now I sit on my couch typing this a month into the new job wondering why I spent no real time trying to really clean my house.

Of course, like anyone, I used the excuse of “I’m tired.” I let the dishes pile up in the sink, I have clean laundry (yes, clean) piled up on the floor waiting to be folded and put away, I have lovely old hardwood floors just waiting to be washed. Yet, I was so focused on other things I let it slip by. Now I’m a month into a new job with a ton of cleaning to do. Weirdly, the only thing that even motivated me to do it is the potential that people could see my house this week. In particular, a guy. Someone I just started casually seeing.

I could’ve let myself live in a messy home, but heaven forbid I show a maybe suitor what my house looks like when I’m having an anxious month. The thought saddened me a little. After all the work I put into myself I went back to my old ways. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still cleaned my place. I would just like to keep it up for me. As a promise to me and as a place where I spend my time, I’d like to keep it clean.

It just got me thinking. How many other things that we want/need slip by because we’re so focused on something? Have you given up a workout class you loved because of the lack of time? What about those dreams to buy a new home? Your goal to travel to Europe, how’s that going? We always just wait to do things. We have time. I feel like that’s a perpetual lie we tell ourselves. “You can always do it when you’re older.” That line makes me cringe. Yes, theoretically, you can do it when you’re older. As life goes on, we pick up more responsibilities and slow way down. Aging, it’s inevitable.

Why do we wait to do the things we want? I can tell you, I waited a long time on buying a house. Deep down, I always hoped that there’d come a day when I could house shop with someone. I spent years in a very nice condo, but a place where I wasn’t truly happy. The strange part to admit, is when you break that down I’m almost saying “rescue me.” I know, I know, it’s perfectly normal to want a partner to buy a place with. Let me ask you this, why do you need a partner to do it?

We spend so much time waiting for the right person or trying to make the wrong one work that we let life pass us by. I’ll get into making the wrong person work another day. That’s much too long of a topic for today. Why do we give up so much in hopes of receiving so little back?

I dated someone a few years ago that would like to talk on the phone every night. Seems sweet, right? In this case, no. It was not a healthy growing relationship. This was every bit a learning lesson. With that prefaced, I would wait all evening after work for his call. I’d decline invites to go out with friends, I’d leave things early, or I would even just take the call to speak with him when I was with friends. Again, not a healthy relationship. This was 100% my bad behavior. I was worried about him, how he’d react, and what he’d do if he wasn’t happy, that I just stopped living. My whole night became wrapped around his call. He did play a part, but this is about me, not him.

When we give up what we want or what we love, it make’s us feel lost. We stop doing things because they’re fun. Simple joy’s that came from our hobbies and interests, are put on the back burner. We slowly watch things fade. Seems like a dumb move, right? I should’ve known better. Let me ask you this. Well perhaps I should’ve but you don’t know until you know. And, if you’re like me, you could be a recovering people pleaser. You don’t do these things because you believe they’re right, you do them because you want it all to just work.

How many times have you been low? How many times have you stopped doing all the things, within yourself and your power, that brought you happiness? It’s normal to have ebs and flows in life. That’s about the only guarantee this life can provide. The only way you end up finding your way back to you, is finding your joy. It’s relighting the flames that dulled or maybe, creating new flames.

So this week I challenge you to do something you’ve been pushing off, for you. Your soulmate challenge this week is to relight or spark a new flame in something that you’ve pushed off. I hope it brings you excitement.

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

  • Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
  • Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.