The Waiting Game

How often do you find yourself pushing off important tasks? I unfortunately do it all the time. Before I knew that clutter in the house was a result of anxiety, I hate to say, but the only time I seriously cleaned my house was when I knew someone was coming over. Especially, if it were a guy. The thought of organizing, finding a home for items, and doing all the mundane tasks was exhausting. I use this example because I had to talk myself into cleaning for the past two days. I cleaned in anticipation that someone else get to enjoy my clean home. What’s strange is, why didn’t I want to enjoy my clean home? I mean, I live here.

In my personal life things have just went through some big transitions. All of my anxiety folks know that it’s hard to adjust. Life throws some curve-balls and you end up having to alter every way of doing the normal day things. Living in discomfort, I think, is one of the hardest things to do. For me, I had big changes such as change of job, I moved to a new home, and minor dating mishaps. All of this in one, can feel extremely over whelming. We end up stressing about small details. Why hasn’t this person texted me? Am I proving myself at work? Am I in over my head with the new bills associated with moving? All thoughts that I now have. So now I sit on my couch typing this a month into the new job wondering why I spent no real time trying to really clean my house.

Of course, like anyone, I used the excuse of “I’m tired.” I let the dishes pile up in the sink, I have clean laundry (yes, clean) piled up on the floor waiting to be folded and put away, I have lovely old hardwood floors just waiting to be washed. Yet, I was so focused on other things I let it slip by. Now I’m a month into a new job with a ton of cleaning to do. Weirdly, the only thing that even motivated me to do it is the potential that people could see my house this week. In particular, a guy. Someone I just started casually seeing.

I could’ve let myself live in a messy home, but heaven forbid I show a maybe suitor what my house looks like when I’m having an anxious month. The thought saddened me a little. After all the work I put into myself I went back to my old ways. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still cleaned my place. I would just like to keep it up for me. As a promise to me and as a place where I spend my time, I’d like to keep it clean.

It just got me thinking. How many other things that we want/need slip by because we’re so focused on something? Have you given up a workout class you loved because of the lack of time? What about those dreams to buy a new home? Your goal to travel to Europe, how’s that going? We always just wait to do things. We have time. I feel like that’s a perpetual lie we tell ourselves. “You can always do it when you’re older.” That line makes me cringe. Yes, theoretically, you can do it when you’re older. As life goes on, we pick up more responsibilities and slow way down. Aging, it’s inevitable.

Why do we wait to do the things we want? I can tell you, I waited a long time on buying a house. Deep down, I always hoped that there’d come a day when I could house shop with someone. I spent years in a very nice condo, but a place where I wasn’t truly happy. The strange part to admit, is when you break that down I’m almost saying “rescue me.” I know, I know, it’s perfectly normal to want a partner to buy a place with. Let me ask you this, why do you need a partner to do it?

We spend so much time waiting for the right person or trying to make the wrong one work that we let life pass us by. I’ll get into making the wrong person work another day. That’s much too long of a topic for today. Why do we give up so much in hopes of receiving so little back?

I dated someone a few years ago that would like to talk on the phone every night. Seems sweet, right? In this case, no. It was not a healthy growing relationship. This was every bit a learning lesson. With that prefaced, I would wait all evening after work for his call. I’d decline invites to go out with friends, I’d leave things early, or I would even just take the call to speak with him when I was with friends. Again, not a healthy relationship. This was 100% my bad behavior. I was worried about him, how he’d react, and what he’d do if he wasn’t happy, that I just stopped living. My whole night became wrapped around his call. He did play a part, but this is about me, not him.

When we give up what we want or what we love, it make’s us feel lost. We stop doing things because they’re fun. Simple joy’s that came from our hobbies and interests, are put on the back burner. We slowly watch things fade. Seems like a dumb move, right? I should’ve known better. Let me ask you this. Well perhaps I should’ve but you don’t know until you know. And, if you’re like me, you could be a recovering people pleaser. You don’t do these things because you believe they’re right, you do them because you want it all to just work.

How many times have you been low? How many times have you stopped doing all the things, within yourself and your power, that brought you happiness? It’s normal to have ebs and flows in life. That’s about the only guarantee this life can provide. The only way you end up finding your way back to you, is finding your joy. It’s relighting the flames that dulled or maybe, creating new flames.

So this week I challenge you to do something you’ve been pushing off, for you. Your soulmate challenge this week is to relight or spark a new flame in something that you’ve pushed off. I hope it brings you excitement.

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